Always.

I’ve always been very empathetic. But as we all know, negative energy is stronger than positive. I became sensitive to others’ pain at a very young age. Some of it, in fact, much of it over the years became something of a survival instinct; pick up on the stress of those around me to predict their needs and try to stay out of the blast radius.

Because of this, and largely due to the bullying and abuse I endured during my formative years, I just became conditioned to believe that no one ever truly liked/could like me, so picking up on positive emotions in regards to myself is something that I just never learned to do. I never felt it was necessary.

This has been a difficult year for me in terms of finding out exactly what I mean to several people whose feelings about me I always assumed to be negative and/or judgey. In my defense, those people never really told me how they really felt, and kind of expected me to just know, in spite of behaviors that suggested otherwise, but still…

I have… to rewire my entire sense of self. Honestly, I still get freaked out when someone tells me I’m attractive, especially at this age. I felt like, there was this very short window of time when I found out I wasn’t disgusting and was also still quite young… and I mean. I guess that window of time was within the last six years, but I feel like I’ve lived several lifetimes since then. Just in the last two years, I’ve undergone a LOT of changes. It’s been over a year since my last attempt, and there’s only three months left of this year before I can say “zero attempts this year!” And that’s huge for me, so even if no one else is proud of me, I don’t care anymore because I am proud of myself for what I have achieved.

I no longer need validation. At least, not from the people I once did. The validation I seek now is less validation and more like… I feel indebted to the people who are still here. The ones who never turned their backs on me, who broke the cycle and didn’t abandon me, even when they could have.

To those people, I owe my life, and am now working hard to be better for. And that includes my daughter, whose back was forced. No matter what, Ivy, I have always and will always love you. And I will do everything in my power to see you again, even if it’s just one last time before I’m gone.

Sadly, my health is poor. Despite my efforts to be healthier and take better care of myself, my body is badly damaged and I’m afraid a lot of it is just due to bad genes, and I can’t reverse or cure it. So I am just doing what I can to treat the symptoms and take the supplements that will stave it off for a bit.

To my original point, I know I have let others down a lot in my life due to my ignorance about their feelings toward me. Too late, I realized. And now I know there’s nothing I can do to repair the damage. Specifically, you, Emily. I should have known, but I’m a fucking idiot.

Please believe me when I say that I have always loved you with all my heart. I still think of you every single day, and if I had really and truly known that you felt the same, I would have done things differently. But also, if I’d done things differently, I wouldn’t have had my beautiful babies, and you wouldn’t have yours. So…

Please don’t look back in anger. And please don’t hold it against me, okay? I got mixed signals from you, and whenever I confronted the issue, you deflected, so please… how could I have known?? I wish you could understand things from my point of view, but it’s okay.

Like I said, I no longer require validation from anyone. I’ve done my time, and more than I feel I deserved from all of you. Now I just want to live the rest of my life repaying my debts and doing as many meaningful things as I can before it’s over.

Should I make a mark on the world? I don’t know. But I at least want to leave a positive mark on the people who impacted me positively. If I have time after that, and if any of you want to say goodbye to me, I’ll be here as long as I can.

No woman in my family has made it to 80 yet, and they were in perfect health aside from the genes. As for me, I have the genes as well as years of damage to my body from self-medication to avoid having more than I could handle, if you understand my meaning. 🔪

Sadly, I wasn’t really extending my life, it was more like… putting my death on layaway. Haha…

It’s funny… the entire time Faron was dying, those pills never even crossed my mind. I sat with the pain. I took it deeply to heart. I let it break me. But after being evicted from the home where we raised him, I just couldn’t cope. And then Ivy’s dad left me, court nightmare whirlwind, and the protection order that banned me from seeing her… Courtney, my bestie, abandoning me… it was all too much.

So I ran away to the desert, to be with my grandma and grandpa. But grandma died before a year was up and grandpa left to Oklahoma this spring. T_T

Still. My last attempt was after she died and my family was being shitty to me. In that attempt, as I was barely conscious in Sabrina’s car on the 4th of July, I felt a very firm fork in the road. Like an invitation from the other side, to choose to close my eyes and come to them, or to stay awake and live to fight another day.

I chose to fight. And I’ve been making that choice every single day since then. It’s not an easy choice. Suicide isn’t exactly an easy choice, but living is much harder. Having a body is difficult, especially when yours is cumbersome and heavy, and falling apart… but I still make that choice daily now. And I have no intention of falling back into my old habits. I didn’t make it this far to give up now, or ever again.

I’m in it to win it. And I hope that you living ghosts can find it within yourselves to reach out and meet the new me. If not, it’s your loss. 💋

You know, I… got taken advantage of a lot when I was young. Because of this same deficit in my emotional intelligence. Just assuming always that I was too fat and/or ugly for anyone to want to sexually abuse. They never tell you in school that those girls are the most likely to be victims of this. I think it needs to be made more clear in schools and homes. Especially in girls like me who also happen to be autistic and naive. Thinking you’ll do whatever it takes to end the bullying and make someone like you. Even if it’s disgusting and you hate it.

And then… feeling too ashamed to tell anyone about it because you didn’t say no, stop, don’t… because you didn’t fight back… feeling gross and disgusting as your one close friend starts calling you a slut and a whore… then a whole new world of bullying opens up as you get the reputation as a slut. =_=

Reliving these memories is shitty. But I feel it’s necessary. Because maybe some young girl will stumble upon this and find the courage to fight back. Or if it’s too late for that, then maybe the courage to speak up about what happened.

I’m thinking about my little girl who’s now older than I was the first time I remember being sexually assaulted. If my life is any indication, growing up with a narcissistic nympho for a parent puts you even more at risk. Children are more perceptive than you realize. And when you normalize sexual deviant behavior, they can end up in traumatic situations they could have avoided, but felt like they couldn’t.

I have been there. So many times. It’s taken me all my life to finally advocate for myself and set boundaries. And I know I can’t save everyone, but if there’s even the slightest chance this information can help future generations of girls… I’m willing to sacrifice my dignity by writing this shit.

No one is too fat, too ugly, too *anything* to be raped. Anyone with a body can be a victim. Rape can also happen to men and boys. Men won’t fight back because they are terrified of being charged with assaulting a female, and no one believing them. Please de-normalize this.

Boy parts react to stimulation the same way nipples do, even if you’re not mentally aroused. Imagine if the roles were reversed. Imagine a man could have the ability to, say, cause your legs to open of their own accord, and then you realized you couldn’t fight back because you don’t want to go to jail. And even if you told them the truth about what happened, they wouldn’t believe you.

It’s terrible. But this happens. So please be aware, and please keep the youth safe by spreading this information. If I make any mark on the world, this is one I will always feel good about.

Kind of a long entry today. I’ve been mulling this stuff over for a long, long time. Particularly the parts about not picking up on people feeling love at me.

Recently, it’s become strikingly apparent to me how my uncle sees me. This uncle, who I’d had bad blood with a lot in the past because of his temper, and a lil bit honestly because of my being in my “offended” phase (20’s). But mostly just because as far back as I can remember, I was scared of him. He has, like, two moods: goofy and angry. Kinda like how I’m usually silly or sad.

Frienacing is the word Matt and I use for people like that. And I know I’ve been frienacing my share of times, so I should’ve really understood long ago. ANYWAY, to my point.

Recently, we’ve been helping him out with his house and watching over his property. One day, we were sitting around, smoking and shooting the breeze, and he mentioned his daughter. But he accidentally called her by my deadname, and didn’t even notice. It went straight over my head. It was Matt who pointed it out to me later, and told me that it shows how he thinks of me… like a daughter. ;-; And if I needed further proof, he gave us an important number to remember, and as we were coming up with ways to remember it, I suddenly realized it was my birth year and his daughter’s birth year combined. ;__;

It feels like a Severus Snape situation, man. That mean old scary potions master who hated your face all your life actually loved you underneath it all…

It’s a lot to process. And that’s on top of the whole Sabrina: “it’s not like I like you or anything, b-baka…” thing. What a year. Come to find out, there are people who respect me and consider me a great artist and/or friend. And other people who consider me even closer. T_T

I’m such a little dumbass.

._. I hope, at least, now you might have a better understanding of why I’m the dumbass that I am. ✌🏻