I do not know if I am capable of being a “good” person/friend. I have become divided within myself, and though I failed to bring it up with my med provider yesterday, I have also become convinced, after talking at length with someone who had and recovered from D.I.D., that I most likely also have it.
The feelings of being at war with myself constantly, of wanting conflicting things, of feeling like there’s a distinct Sunny personality, and one I’m calling Stormy…
I am unsure if I can merge the two. One of us has had people pleasing so ingrained into our identity that it’s become like a need. For when the punk-ass, stubborn side decides to be authentic, nobody likes us.
I don’t know if I can change my intrinsic self. I don’t know if I should. And that is where I get stuck. If I warp myself and reprogram my thought processes to be more likable, I forfeit my authenticity and autonomy. But if I am my authentic self and nobody likes me, I will continue to have a difficult life, and it’s already been so very difficult.
I’ve started working on this shadow growth journal. I’m hoping that it helps, and then maybe if I am fully healed, I won’t be that asshole that nobody likes.
Then again, most of the time “being an asshole” was a mispronunciation of “advocating for myself.”
You think you know me? 
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