Abandoned.

I don’t even feel like writing this. All I want to do is lie in bed and sleep, but I find I can’t even do that. I want to cry, but the tears won’t come. I’ve already used them all up. I just feel empty and dead inside.

My family left for Oklahoma this morning while I was still asleep. Last night was the last time I got to see them, and now I am all alone out here with just my emotionally unavailable husband and two cats. I’m simultaneously depressed and terrified. Matt may not be emotionally available, but he’s all I’ve got now… If something happens to him, what will I do? If something happens to me when he isn’t here, what will I do?

I can’t help but feel cheated. I moved out here less than 2 years ago to be with my grandparents. Grandma died before I was here a full year, and now everyone’s left before she’s even been gone a year. If I had known this would be the case… would I have still uprooted everything just to be stuck here with no friends or family?

I had to go back into the house where she died. I hadn’t been in there since the night I clung to her lifeless body and cried until I couldn’t anymore. It was dark, and sad and so far removed from the place it was that night. It hurt to look at. 

Sometimes I feel like my life is riddled with trauma and despair just so that some people can be lucky enough never to have to deal with the same. Sometimes I feel like I’m only destined to be heavily burdened with sadness so that I will continue to be an artist, since it’s apparently all I’m good for. Everyone wants my art. No one wants to see the pain that created it. 

So maybe I’ll stab the universe right back and quit making art. Maybe I’ll burn everything I’ve created so that no one can profit from it after I’ve finally died having never once profited from it. It always sickens me every time I see some commercial product with Van Gogh’s art on it, knowing how his life went and how little he ever saw from his own work. I don’t want to be a Van Gogh. No offense to him and his lovely art, I just don’t want to be chewed up and spit out that way anymore. 

Things are about to change. I’m not going to just keep suffering and going quietly into the night anymore. I deserve justice. I deserve to not suffer any longer. I’ve been dealt nothing but shit hands from the universe since birth. I don’t want to take it anymore. 

But maybe I don’t have the energy to do anything at all anymore.