2026

I have had time to think. This is why I make plans instead of acting rashly. Once I make the plans and set a date, I have time to really consider whether or not I want to go through with it. And this is why I have only had one attempt in over a year.

So I thought about that attempt. I thought about how easy it would’ve been to slip under and slip away, and just be done hurting. But I fought to stay awake, to stay alive. I fought, in spite of the promise of relief, not for the hope of one day winning back the losers who trashed me, but for the people who never left.

I thought about how much of my youth I wasted on fair weather friends. I’m not exactly young anymore. I’m pushing 40 (better than pushing daisies, Matt said 🤣), and my broken body feels 80 (I told my 82-year-old grandpa that he probably moves faster than I do). Still, everyone tells me I’m young, and though I look back on photos of me in my late twenties and inhale sharply through my teeth, I know that if I were to live even another five to ten years, I would look back on my now photos and do the same.

So I decided, fuck it. I didn’t fight my way to the 37th floor to cop out now. My strength stat is higher than most, so why kowtow now? I’m going to spend this next year training. But I’m going to be hardcore.

I am going to punch depression in the throat and make it call me daddy. I’m going to try for zero attempts this year and if any suicidal thoughts try to enter my head, I’ll punch their teeth out while making snide comments about their mom.

This year, I will master the tattoo machines and give my first real tattoo to someone other than myself. I will become punk as fuck as I devote my time to helping others while I grow, myself. I will master stoicism and become even more fluent in Japanese.

I will actually study tarot and be able to give good readings without the book as my guide. And I will finally finish the album I started back in 2020. If there’s time, I will maybe work more on my comic book. And of course, I will work harder to make money from my own art.

My grandma would want me to go on. Her life was taken from her so suddenly, she never even had time to finish the book she literally died reading. And that was just a book. She lived so close to the Grand Canyon, but she never got to go actually see it. So many things she wanted to do that she never got a chance to check off her bucket list. So I want to do some of those things in her honor, and I can’t do that if I’m not here to do them.

I know that few people actually want to see me happy and successful, and will be so disappointed that I’m not just going to die in misery, but fuck ‘em. The best revenge is living well, and I’m done apologizing endlessly for things in the rear view mirror. I’m not looking in that bitch anymore, cause I’d like to focus on the road ahead. And to be quite frank, I shouldn’t have to apologize more than once, and I’ve done plenty more than just that. I was always kind to everyone until long after I stopped receiving the same. By the time I’ve been treated shitty enough long enough for me to stop being kind, it was never me that was the problem, it was always you. Because contrary to popular belief, I do let things go. So many things, so much. As long as I’m still happy with the friendship you bring to my life, I always let it go, which is why I’ve tried to keep peace in friendships by just letting it go. And generally, it doesn’t even stick with me enough to even be remembered.

What does stick with me is shit that I’m never allowed to fix.

And if you want to know the truth, it’s not ever me who doesn’t want to fix things. In high school, one of my best friends in my entire life dumped me shortly before Katrina, and then while I was evacuated in Texas, she stole my boyfriend, and I was still ready to forgive her, but I had to wait until she was ready to come back to me, and when she did, it was literally like it never happened. I had completely forgotten the whole thing even happened until someone else I know was telling me why the two of them didn’t get along, and I remembered suddenly, and then laughed. Something that was such a huge problem in my life and hurt me worse than a lot of things I went through in my childhood, and I just forgot all about it because I had my friend back and that was all I really wanted. That’s all I’ve ever really wanted, but I’m the only one who seems to know the true meaning of friendship, which is another reason I’m staying put.

Because when the world is as cruel and unforgiving as this, and with genuinely good friends in such short supply, I would be doing it a great disservice to remove myself from it.

Happy New Year. I hope you find joy this year, whoever you may be.