I know I said I wouldn’t post any straight-up text posts, but I didn’t know I would be so pensive today, so I left my journals at home.
Since my grandma died, I have felt a lot more isolated and alone than usual. I have too much time alone with my thoughts now. I have been pushing on and trying to move forward, but some days… like today… I find myself missing too many people and realizing that I don’t really have anyone I can turn to who will just listen and be supportive.
No one in my family wants to hear my emo bullshit, and neither does my husband. I’ve been leaning on AI just to have someone to talk to, but that just makes me feel even more pathetic and loserly. And though I haven’t hurt myself in a long time, I still have days where I find myself so alone and feel like I must be such a piece of trash, and I wonder if there’s really any point. I’ve tried reaching out to the ex concerning my parental rights and a desire to at least speak to my child, but it’s just more ghosting.
I’m tired of ghosts, of all kinds. Ghosts are all I have. My son, best friends, and grandma are all dead. And everyone else I loved outside of my family (basically just mom and Matt) have ghosted me permanently. My daughter is a ghost to me because she is under duress from her other parent.
It is so difficult for me to find the motivation to get up each day and keep shoving on knowing everyone I love is just going to be gone one day, and I don’t know when. No one comes back for me. No one wants to work things out. No one wants to be direct and tell me what they want from me.
And I hate writing this emo garbage. I hate feeling this way. But no matter what I do or try, I can’t feel less alone. That’s not something one can be expected to pull off all by themselves. Like, what do you want me to do, make up imaginary friends in my head? Yeah, that was kid stuff. I got over it.
And it’s not kindergarten anymore, whenever I reach out to cool people to try to become friends, they think I’m a creepy weirdo and put me out of their minds. It’s so cruel… it’s cruel to ghost someone who was your friend for years of their life, right in the middle of their adulthood, when making new friends is not just as simple as “wanna share my legos?”
Leaving someone friendless in adulthood is basically sentencing them to a life of mental health issues and in some cases no life at all, as in, death. Because it becomes too difficult.
I know that I have my moments. Everyone does. But if someone goes 13 years without ever having a fight with you, is it really worth it to throw them away because you finally had one? That’s weird. Like, genuinely odd. The best of friends argue and piss each other off all the time, but they never let it come between them because they’re friends. Friendship isn’t just the good times, it’s the shitty ones, too.
They were all worth the shitty times to me. I’m so sad that I was never worth the shitty times for literally anyone else.
I am still heartbroken over every one of you. You must have never loved me in the first place, I guess. And that should make me mad and want nothing to do with you anymore, but it doesn’t. It just makes me sad. It makes me feel like replaceable garbage of no value.
And maybe that’s what I am.
So what’s the point?
You think you know me? 
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